Eggroll, Bagel, Cookie, Vengeance

The Four Ninja Food Groups

Monday, September 19, 2005

meet my purpose-driven Louisville Slugger

Were we all made for a purpose? Sure. And what on Earth are we here for? Community of course. If I wanted to, I could explain to you the five pillars that support both of these claims. However, I would instead like to take a moment to introduce something else: my purpose driven Louisville Slugger.

This thing is long, slim, and can apply a total beat-down to any pirate, dog, old lady, or wannabe gangsta to which I may apply it. Unlike Pant's intellect, it cannot be stopped. Seriously, this thing is bona fide.

Like all important issues that you face in life, this bat's significance can be characterized by 5 central points, that is, it ROCKS:
1.)R: it Represents true ultimate power.
2.)O: it Opens a can of whoop ass on those who deserve it
3.)C: it is Cool and sweet and awesome and makes me want to crap myself
4.)K: it Kills anyone to whom it is applied
5.)S: it is Stealth, so that by the time it has struck, you are like, "WOW! I am totally dead!"

See, my bat ROCKS.

But if one person's bat rocks, then anyone can ignore that. But what if you, that's right, you were to apply these simple principals to your life? Then there would be two bats that rock. That's two purpose driven bats... imagine!

Now, let's keep this going. Lets say we had the whole of Chucktown totin' purpose driven bats. Imagine! We would all be like, "I am totally pissed! I wanna kill, kill, kill!", and so all the pirates would be crapping themselves, like, "Oh my god! We are so totally dead!"

Well, you get the idea. The nation, the whole world even, united under this simple ROCKS principal, then we would all be totally sweet, and all the pirates would be all beat up, and bloody, and not even dead, but like, "aw, man, this totally hurts! I would kill myself, but I am not even cool enough for that!"

And what a great sight that would be. But it all starts with you. And with me. I know that you probably have all sorts of complicated questions, but I assure you that it is really simple. Just go and do. Be purpose driven. Don't let questions and doubt get the better of you. If we all just go out and do it, then we cannot be stopped.

Friday, September 09, 2005

All clothing should be black

A thought occurred to me while stalking a crepe vendor the other day. Whereas I don't wear any clothing, I do notice the clothing of those around me. After all, humans all look alike to me, and so while instructing younger pastries, I'm all like "No, kill the one in the green shirt." What I've noticed is this: while so-called hipsters have been wearing vintage clothing for years, now all of the major clothing chains are selling faux "vintage" shirts. I'm talking like Abercrombie and Fitch 1972, or Old Navy hopscotch team and shit like that. It's kinda lame, but I am looking forward, in fifteen years time, to being able to go to the Salvation Army and purchasing a shirt that is both real vintage and fake vintage at the same time.