Eggroll, Bagel, Cookie, Vengeance

The Four Ninja Food Groups

Tuesday, August 23, 2005

I despise younger pastries

I've been visiting the Violent Dismemberment Happy Bakery and Deli where I was born this week, and I'll tell you, I wasn't as disrespectful or obnoxious as the confections you see nowadays. First of all, what ever happened to just a regular, tasty, non-hugemongous, un-nasty muffin? VDHB and D is now full of some freakin' obese muffins. Just because you are a source of simple carbohydrates, that's no excuse for carbo-loading all the time you disgusting bran-piggies. Also, muffins should not smell like ham.
Another thing, I'm not a racist, but the music these doughnuts are listening to these days really get my filling. (Oh, I'm sorry, that's the REAL spelling, not your hip doughnut vernacular.) I'm just saying that the bakers really need to put their feet down; these delicious baked goods are fresh out of the oven and don't know what's up, they need guidance. Good thing they have an older brother to show them how to throw down. Me and some of the kiddies went on a field trip to assassinate some prominent squirrels in the area (I hate me some fuckin' squirrels). I brought the doughnuts, bearclaws, muffins, and croissants, but not the bagels, as they are a bunch of chewy momma's boys. We staged a daring midnight raid on a major squirrel stronghold, i.e. a big tree. We fought long, fought hard, and occasionally, fought well. By morning, the crack-addicted mammals lay defeated, and several pigeons too. Only half of my squad was killed by the squirrels, pigeons, and morning rush-hour traffic. If that price seems steep, bear in mind we come in pans of twelve.

Wednesday, August 10, 2005

it's a rough job, but someone's gotta do it

OK, so one thing is certain: no one wants to be the guy posting after the mountain that is " Cap'n Romeo the Lusty and Juliet-san." So, consider this the follow-on post. It was going to be a disappointment no matter what, so no loss.

Now that it's out of the way, maybe we can move on with our mortal lives.