Eggroll, Bagel, Cookie, Vengeance

The Four Ninja Food Groups

Friday, May 27, 2005

A new leaf for me

Tonite, as I ascend back up into my cozy little habitat for a bit of respite from my canine foes, I stare down at the endless rows of nodescript man-houses and despair. Why do they settle for mediocrity? Why this insatiable need to be surrounded by those that are just like them, safely nestled away from anything that could do them harm? It has occurred to me that maybe they don't care, or maybe they have been dulled by the instant gradification culture of the day. Take the way they approach food. Are you hungry? Don't go kill something and feast on its still-warm flesh, or rummage in the open wilderness for fresh, wild berries, just go grab a cookie. Cookies require no work, they taste great, and they hit the spot. Besides, there are hundreds of different kinds of cookies, right? You can eat a different kind of cookie every day, and never even have to eat the same type of cookie again for months. Eventually you may even believe that you like a wide range of snacks, just like those people who say they like "all kinds of music, but when you ask for clarification, they say something like, "Led Zepplin, Metallica, Rush, the Beastie Boys, even Jewel. You know, everything, really." Perhaps, in many ways, the cookie represents at that is wrong with advanced civilization. People are so enamored with the luxuries afforded to them by their cherished technogolgy that they often forget the deeper joys of life.

You know, I think I am going to give up cookies, once and for all. From now on, it's all natural for me. I want true variety. You can keep your Oreos, your Chip's Ahoy!, and even your E.L. Fudge. You can even keep those overpriced girl scout cookies... save them for when you're watching someone else live out their dreams on "Survivor" or "American Idol." As for me, I am going to take the high road, and you know what? I think I'll be all the better for it.

Monday, May 23, 2005

For general Ninja health and hygiene

Thursday, May 19, 2005

Ah, Spring is in the air!

Ah, I love the smell of Spring. The flowers, the warm breeze, the little birds chirping in the trees... I just can't get enough. Anyway, as I was contemplating my favorite napping position, I felt at piece with the world; if only for a moment, I was at peace!

But then I remembered about scones. Man, do scones piss me off! I can sort of understand the saps who prefer muffins to bagels as the preferred on-the-go breakfast, and even doughnuts have some redeeming qualities. But scones?

Come on man, really. Straight from the makers of haggis, we have baked shortbread that makes cardboard taste like cotton candy.

Next time someone says something to me like, "yeah, I like bagels with lox, but a nice fruitted oat scone just can be beat," well, I just don't think I will be able to guarauntee their safety anymore.

I love Spring, but man do I hate scones.

Wednesday, May 18, 2005

Pirate pride, ninja nay-saying

Thank you Chris for the great article, you can link to the article in its orignal context here.
Kristy in PA sent me this link, we have her to blame.

Pirate pride, ninja nay-saying
By Chris Holt
Opinions Columnist

Alright, that does it. I'm tired of these ceaseless "debates" that are nothing more than one group talking at the other, spewing venom without making any head way. Our campus has been in an uproar over this last week; things have been tenser than a Newsweek editors' meeting.

I'm talking, of course, about the annoying debate between the Ninjas and the Pirates. Last week was the beginning of Ninja Respect Month and also Pirate Pride Week, a scheduling conflict that is equivalent to hosting a presidential address the same night as the World Series.

Although The Daily reported about Ninja Pride Week, the Pirates were remarkably absent in the press. When I went to White Plaza, though, all I saw was Pro-Pirate demonstrations. The Pirates had planned a "Blackpearl Remembrance Day" that happened to coincide with Ninja Week. Both groups held rallies peacefully, but their sentiments were about as peaceful as an A's fan-base.

It all centers on what happened several decades ago. The Pirates and the Ninjas had an altercation that they to this day, are still fighting about. Something about a pirate wench they both claimed, I dunno. She's pretty old now, bruised and rough. But they are still fighting over her.

No, instead of flipping out and killing everyone as an unstoppable partnership that would leave robots, chickens, and robot chickens in fear, they remain divided.

Unfortunately, despite our progressive-minded university's best intentions, no one has curbed this hatred. While both groups speak of "pride" for their group and claim that they want "peace," such statements always preclude bashing the other group. Being pro-Ninja means that you condone Ninja killings of Pirates, or that you are Anti-Piratical. It's them or us. You can't show pride in being a Pirate or a Ninja without then saying how "the Ninjas are yellow-bellied bastards" or "the Pirates lack honor or good hygiene."

The rest of this article can be found here. at the Stanford Daily.

Monday, May 16, 2005

Somehow this feels like cheating ...

Did you ever have one of those days where it felt like everything was coming to you waaaay too easily? Fortune smiling on you so much that it's starting to feel more like a creepy leer?

Cut that out, man ... hey, are you stalking me? Aaaah!


Oh, never mind then.

Wednesday, May 04, 2005

let me tell 'ya somethin....

Ok, so I was doin' my thing, chillin' out in the paint store, looking for a cool green paint for my lil' tike-to-be's branch, and enjoying some of the eucolyptis mints I so love. And then, this ole' bag walks up with her little yipper and says, "hey! kids love dogs? Say, why don't you get your younguns to pet my dog? Besides, my dog has only been around kids once before... this would be a great experience for her!"

So I was like, "ahhhh, naw man! This ain' real!" I wan'ted to unleash the fury of my fierce claws, but then I remembered my kids, and how they need to see the big bear keep hiz cool. So I just focused on the inner power animal, and the mints... mints... ah, mints. I just gathered the crew up and said, "nah, we don't dig on no dawgs." But this wench wouldn't leave me be! So, we just grabbed our paint and split.

What's a marsupial to do? I guess that's what I get for leavin' the home tree with the kids. Next time I need some cool green paint, or really any other domestic maintenance supplies, I think I'll fly solo, so that I can break out my shaolin treewalker style on the next scallywag that disrespects.

Don't let the sweet taste fool ya, lest you forget that I F&*'in represent.... peace.