Eggroll, Bagel, Cookie, Vengeance

The Four Ninja Food Groups

Tuesday, August 23, 2005

I despise younger pastries

I've been visiting the Violent Dismemberment Happy Bakery and Deli where I was born this week, and I'll tell you, I wasn't as disrespectful or obnoxious as the confections you see nowadays. First of all, what ever happened to just a regular, tasty, non-hugemongous, un-nasty muffin? VDHB and D is now full of some freakin' obese muffins. Just because you are a source of simple carbohydrates, that's no excuse for carbo-loading all the time you disgusting bran-piggies. Also, muffins should not smell like ham.
Another thing, I'm not a racist, but the music these doughnuts are listening to these days really get my filling. (Oh, I'm sorry, that's the REAL spelling, not your hip doughnut vernacular.) I'm just saying that the bakers really need to put their feet down; these delicious baked goods are fresh out of the oven and don't know what's up, they need guidance. Good thing they have an older brother to show them how to throw down. Me and some of the kiddies went on a field trip to assassinate some prominent squirrels in the area (I hate me some fuckin' squirrels). I brought the doughnuts, bearclaws, muffins, and croissants, but not the bagels, as they are a bunch of chewy momma's boys. We staged a daring midnight raid on a major squirrel stronghold, i.e. a big tree. We fought long, fought hard, and occasionally, fought well. By morning, the crack-addicted mammals lay defeated, and several pigeons too. Only half of my squad was killed by the squirrels, pigeons, and morning rush-hour traffic. If that price seems steep, bear in mind we come in pans of twelve.


Blogger Kay-D said...

Congrats on the kill.

3:20 PM  
Blogger The Professor of Historical Sarcasm said...

Ah, I can see that another young muffin, having made the transition from the "adults are idiots" stage of baking to "kids are stupid", has now entered cool-down with the realization that, even if they don’t know a blueberry from a hole in the oven, some the annoying little ingrates can be taught and the rest made into splendid cannon fodder.

8:47 PM  
Blogger Greg said...

Those damned squirrels and their wee beady eyes. They'll not be so smug anymore.

10:52 AM  
Blogger shelby. said...

oh my, just...oh my.

5:28 PM  
Blogger H said...

any comment on donut holes?

2:18 PM  
Blogger Daniel said...

I trained a spider-monkey in the art of squirrel warfare. He would wait in tree's in the park near my old apartment. He had the finest ninja garb. When a squirrel would wander under the tree the monkey would drop with stealth and silently crush the squirrel. He would then, while standing on the squirrels back, grab the little fukr by the ears and SLAM the rat teeth into the ground until they become a paste. Somtimes he would don the skin of the squirrel to try to confuse the other squirrels, this would at times cause striff between the sub-factons of squirrel groups. Squirrels are not all that smart, and are easily overtaken by a properly trained spider-monkey. I live halfway across the country now and I'm not sure what happened to that monkey. However, I still see faceless dead squirrels in parks. I bet he began training other creatures in the art of squirrel warfare. What a smart monkey. Fuk-a-squirrel.

10:59 PM  
Blogger eve said...

squirrels must die!!!

5:07 PM  
Blogger Milkshake said...

Squirrels don't bother me that much, but I FUCKING HATE TRAIL MIX. On this point, I am quite firm. I mean--come on dude. If you want to eat some peanuts, eat peanuts. If you want some dried apricots, eat dried apricots. But for chrissakes--for what reason are people satisfied by picking out all the walnuts from a bag of other crap and then sulking when all of the one thing you wanted are gone? WHAT??? I'm sorry, but I fuckin' hate trail mix.

1:48 AM  
Blogger Milkshake said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

1:48 AM  
Blogger The Phoenixes said...

Great blog.

5:01 AM  

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